Bevin's Birth Story - Part 3

Saturday was a healing day. The cpap was doing its job and keeping her oxygen levels up. It was also discharge day for me. I worked on resting and pumping milk in my room. We checked out that night around 11 PM and went home to sleep in our own beds.

Sunday is even better! The cpap comes off! The nurse moved her feeding tube from her mouth to her nose and she got her first feeding. 10 ml of breastmilk! We can actually see her face and hair! She also gets another chest x-ray and the hole in her lung has healed up! Such encouraging news!

First feeding!

Unwashed hair

It's so fun to finally see Bevin looking like a baby.

Dark hair but light underneath.

B starts in with light therapy for her jaundice.

Monday they clamp off her chest tube to make sure that it is no longer needed before removing it. Progress keeps being made and no set backs! We are so thankful.

She loves to stretch when she gets the chance!

She is able to keep the 10 ml of milk down so they move it up to 20!

The bruising on the eyelids makes its appearance.

Bottle feeding starts Monday too!

The nurse does the bottle feeding because of the chest tube.

Breastmilk in these bottles too! She does really well and keeps them down so they keep adding more milk at each feeding.

Even though I can't feed her yet I try to get as close as possible!

Burping!

Tuesday the chest tube comes out! The x-ray showed the hole had healed up so the doctor took it out and put a dressing on. She can finally lay on her side for a little bit and she seems to love it!

We FINALLY get to hold her and give her a bottle!

She is so light and tiny!

Wednesday I get to try breastfeeding! She latched right on the first try. My easiest breastfeeder ever!

It's so fun to finally hold her!

Thursday I decided to stay for the day and Phil goes into work for a half day. I want to be there so that I can keep breastfeeding on a regular schedule.

I wait around all morning for the doctor to come by and give his report but there is a lot going on and a new patient that needs his attention. I wait as long as I can but at 1:00 pm decide to go to lunch...

...and OF COURSE while I am gone the doctor comes and orders off her light therapy and oxygen! I was so surprised when I walked into her room. I know that this means she will get to go home soon! They also stop her antibiotics and take out the IV.

Friday I decide to stay the whole day AND I drive myself to the hospital myself. I wasn't supposed to drive for a week after giving birth. She gets her hearing screen while she is taking the 2 hour car seat test. She has to keep her oxygen levels up while sitting in her car seat before she can go home. Also I have to watch 3 videos before she can be discharged. One about shaken baby syndrome which just about makes me sick and I have to close my eyes to calm my anxiety. The other 2 were about SIDS and car seat safety.

She passes both tests and I don't remember why but they want her to stay another night, maybe even two. That night Phil and I rearrange the car seats in the car and make room for her infant seat!

The next morning Bevin is swaddled up and laying in a regular baby hospital bassinet!

All cleaned up and ready to go home!

After signing a paper or two and putting her footprint on the wall she gets to go home! Our nurse packs up her breastmilk and gives us a huge bag full of diapers, bottles, wipes etc. We are a little nervous but excited to take her home to her brothers!

Going home on day 9!

Read about Bevin going home here!

Why We Chose the Name Bevin

Ever wonder how you got your name? It is kind of a big deal for parents! There is pressure. Expectations from family. You are naming a person and you don't even know them yet. You have not seen them and you have never officially met face to face!

Some decisions that I have to make are stressful. Like when Phil was choosing his internship. I fasted and prayed over it. We made lists of pros and cons for all the options. And when we finally did make our decision we had to try it out and see if it was a good fit. But then yesterday I chose new glasses and tried on tons of pairs. I picked a few to take home to try and get opinions. Right when the girl helping me was boxing them up I turned around and literally picked up a pair off the display and tried them on. They were the ones! I apologized for being difficult and ordered them right there. Sometimes the right thing just jumps right out in front of you! Don't you just love that?!

Way back when we found out that we were having a girl we felt some pressure. We had never picked a girl name before! Over the course of 2 evenings we took turns reading all of the girl names aloud from a baby name book. It was nice and entertaining for the boys and hey we were spending time together but we didn't like any of them. None of the names felt right. In the process I found an old post it note in the book with 2 girl names written on it. It was from when we were looking for a girl name during Luke's pregnancy. I suggested it again to Phil and he didn't like it but he did not rule it out.

We were mostly just passing time in between ultrasounds. We wanted to name this baby whether she was born alive or not. Once we were given the all clear from the high risk doctor and the baby was doing well from what we could tell in the ultrasounds we started the name thing again. I just kept bringing up the name Bevin. It meant "Fair Lady" and I really liked that idea and liked the sound of the name. It was different but Phil still wasn't sure. We kept trying it out and saying it. As people were asking us about names we would mention it and try it out. I felt like it just felt right!

One day I decided to google the name Bevin and see what came up? Not very much did but I did find this picture:

Bevin Prince

It kind of freaked me out! This girl kind of looks like me or I look like her! Now I know there is no way to know what our Bevin will look like but this felt like a sign! Don't you think so? I found no other Bevins and I found that Bevin is not on any popular baby name list anywhere. That was appealing to me. She could be her own person and identity from the beginning!

So from then on I just knew that her name would be Bevin! Some decisions are super easy! Phil came to a similar conclusion by trying out the name and getting good feedback from other people. I think that he needed affirmation from someone outside of me that it was a nice name. So that was that. The middle name was not so easy...

On delivery day after Bevin was born my mother in law wrote out two different spellings of Bevin's full name so that we could look at it and pick a spelling of Noelle.

Noelle means "Merry Christmas" in French. We tentatively decided that Noelle would be her middle name if Bevin was born before or around Christmas. We just had not decided on a spelling. When I looked at Bevin Noel and Bevin Noelle I just liked the way that the 2nd spelling looked better! Plus I liked that the spelling would be different than the NOEL sign that you see in Christmas decorations around the holidays. So that was that!

Bevin Noelle Wagler

Bevin's Birth Story - Part 2

The last time I left you we were still in the delivery room dreaming about snacks and baby names. Bevin had been whisked away to the nursery.

Soon the nurses moved me over to a recovery room. After a while Phil and his mom decided to go down to the nursery and check on Bevin before she was going to head home. I felt bad that my mother in law did not get to see Bevin yet or hold her. She still didn't get to because she was not allowed to go into the nursery and it was hard to see her from so far away. Phil was able to go into the nursery and see her because he was the dad. He snapped this photo of her. A nurse was waving oxygen above her face. I am so glad that he took this photo because it was all I had of her looking like a normal newborn for days.

While they were gone Barbara and I were chatting about whether or not she was going to head home too. She had a four hour drive ahead of her and she had been at 2 births that day. Phil saw his mom off and decided to go home and see the boys. He was going to stay home with them so that my mom could come visit too. She had been at our house all afternoon taking care of Luke and Micah. While he was gone the nurse came in to tell me that they were sending Bevin up to the NICU. They said that she needed more oxygen. I noticed they were not asking me permission they were telling me what was happening next. They assured me she was fine. I ordered some food and started eating it.

Next a NICU doctor came to my room. He introduced himself and told me that his shift was ending. He explained that he had started Bevin on antibiotics as a precaution. They did not yet know why she was having struggles to breathe. At that point he told me that she would be on the antibiotics for 5-6 days minimum. What????!!!!! And then he proceeded to question me about all her bruising! Luckily Barbara was with me and she could attest that it must have been from the quick birth. I went from 4cm to pushing in less than an hour and she was face up until the very last minute! The questioning flustered me a little bit. I didn't know why she was bruised? I had barely seen or touched my baby. After he left and I knew that i would not be nursing her tonight and that Bevin would not be rooming in with me Barbara and I decided that she could go ahead home. We didn't really know much.

After Barbara left my friend Sarah and the hospital chaplain showed up for a visit. Then my dad came into the room looking for me and Bevin. I told him that they had just taken her up to the NICU and I told him to go ahead and go see her. I couldn't go because I still couldn't move one of my legs. I did not know that they would not him in without one of her parents. So he left for home without seeing Bevin and then my mom showed up with Luke. Luke was so excited to see his sister and I was bummed that he didn't get to see her. "Maybe next time" he said! Oh dear. Maybe not?

While they were still visiting I called for the nurse so that I could go see Bevin. She helped me into a wheelchair and she took me up to the NICU. My mom took Luke home so that Phil could come back to the hospital. The nurse showed me how to scrub up my hands and do the 3 minute hand wash. I was wheeled back to her private room and i stood up on my own for the first time since getting the epidural. My recovery time was over it seemed. The seriousness of the situation overtook me. Bevin was laying in a warming bed with oxygen on her nose. She had an IV with an antibiotic drip and all kinds of other cords hooked to monitors. She started to fuss and there was nothing that could be done for her. I had to put on rubber gloves and I put one hand over the top of her head and the other hand under her bottom and pretend held her. She grunted with each breath. The nurse told me that a lot of times with 35 week babies they can breathe alright on their own at first but then they get tired and can't handle it. I thought about what Barbara had said that this was why 100 years ago so many women had to bury their babies. I noticed that her oxygen level was dipping into the 80's and it was supposed to be 100%. I realized there was nothing that I could do. I would not be nursing her tonight. In fact she would not be fed at all that day or the next day. The weariness hit me. I needed to go lie down. A nurse wheeled me back down to my room. Phil was waiting.

That night Phil went up to visit Bevin too. As far as we knew she was doing fine. We checked again with the nurse that night and she was doing fine so we went to sleep. In the past that first night in the hospital is a rough one. Nursing is sporadic and painful, the nurses come in to take blood pressure, temperature etc. but not tonight. In fact, we sleep right through the night. No one comes in until after 8:00 AM.

We take our time waking up. I order breakfast and we eat casually. We ask our nurse to check on Bevin and she says everything is fine. So I get dressed and ready for the day and we walk up to the NICU. Well, first I try to get a wheelchair for me but they tell me no. I am on my own. Time to start healing.

As soon as we walk in the door of the NICU the nurse says "Are you the Waglers?" "Yes" I say. "Well I was just calling your room and we couldn't find you." I wash my hands quickly. I see the doctor outside of Bevin's room and he walks towards me. I can tell by the look on his face that something is wrong. He starts telling me something about a hole in the lung but all I really remember is a nurse handing me a release form to sign for a procedure. He needs to put in a chest tube and he asks Phil and I to leave the NICU while they do the procedure. My heart starts to pound, I sign the paper with a shaky hand and a nurse escorts us to the door.

We sit down on a bench outside the NICU. What is going on? We had thought she was doing great. As we sat there I swallowed my tears. Phil asked me if I was okay? "No" I told him. We watched other people coming and going from the NICU. I could see that there were 2 additional doctors waiting outside her room. They must be back up just in case...I start pacing around the hallway. I fight back the thoughts in my head. "We are going to lose her and I never even got to really hold her or nurse her or KNOW her!" I can see the door to her room through a window and I see a nurse run out of her room and get something and run back in. The reception nurse comes out and tells me everything is fine. She says that she told the nurse that was running NOT to run. A little while after that the doctor comes out to talk to us and tell us what is going on.

Apparently at some point in the morning they had put a cpap on her to force the oxygen more fully into her lungs. They didn't know if that had caused the hole in her lung or if it was from her own gasps of air. The hole was filling her body cavity with air and making her very uncomfortable. He said that the air was putting pressure on the heart. They knew there was a hole because they had done a chest x-ray. The chest tube would relieve the pressure and let the air out of the body. They did another chest x-ray and found that the tube was in the right place and appeared to be doing its job. Now we just wait and see if the chest tube fixes her labored breathing. The doctor tells me that she will have to be on antibiotics for at least 7 days now. That is their routine for chest tubes. They do it to prevent and fight infection. So now I know that this is serious and she is going to be here for a while.

We finally get to go see her. She looks like she was in a car accident.

She had to have a feeding tube down her throat to get a good bubble with the cpap.

The chest tube that probably saved her life.

They strapped her chin so that she would keep her mouth closed.

You can see the chest tube better in this one.

Bruised and swollen cheeks and eye lids.

Her IV. It eventually took a turn in both her arms and feet.

After we left the NICU we went back to my room to have lunch. I felt really sad. I didn't even feel like eating because I knew that my baby was not not eating. In fact she had never eaten at all yet. That was really stressing me out. A lactation consultant brought in a breastpump and I started pumping. This would become my obsession over the next 2 weeks. I felt like I was doing an important job for her recovery even though she was not getting it yet.


We had quite a few visitors that day. I felt bad that we had no baby to show them. Isn't that what everyone wants to see and hold when they make a hospital visit? My mom brought the boys over to see me. She even finished one of the super big brother capes that I had been scrambling to finish the night before Bevin was born. They loved them and were super excited! I was happy to see them so happy! Robbie and Tiffany and their kids came to visit too. It was nice to feel so supported and loved. Phil's parents came later after we had our celebration meal.

Our niece and nephews!

While I was still a patient in the hospital we would visit Bevin every 4 hours. The nurse would do an evaluation and it was at that time that we could touch her. Otherwise they wanted her to rest and heal. At the 9:00 PM evaluation that night she got pretty worked up. It was hard to watch because she was crying and kicking and there was nothing we could do. We did our best to calm her. We held her hand and sang songs over her. She could not open her eyes because they were so swollen and she had that feeding tube down her and throat that she did NOT like. We told the nurse to call us later if she got upset again.

The night nurse did call us later and Phil went up to see if he could settle her. I was exhausted and in need of some rest. He did all he could. I think he sung "Take Me Out to the Ballgame" and "The First Noel" over and over. Finally the nurse called the doctor and got her some pain medicine. Chest tubes are painful and I can't even imagine just being born and going through all that she had gone through without any pain medication so we okayed it. It settled her right down. We went to bed that night with heavy hearts.

Too be continued...

Impossible Things Are Happening Every Day: The Story of Bevin's Birth

December 8th I woke up in the morning, rolled over and felt my water break.

It was 6:45 AM.

I paced around my bedroom with a pounding heart. It was too early! I had just hit the 35 week mark. Why was this happening? I texted my doula and told her that I thought my water had broken. I called my doctors office and they were not open yet so I spoke to the on call doctor and he told me to come into the hospital. I thought maybe it was not my water. The baby had been pushing on my bladder and maybe my bladder had finally had enough!

My doula had planned to drive up from Bloomington for Bevins' birth and she just happened to be headed to a birth in Indianapolis as we were chatting on the phone. She planned on heading to Fort Wayne as soon as she could. I was eager for her to be at the delivery. I couldn't believe this was going to work out?!

I called my parents and my dad came to pick up Micah and take him back to their house. Thankfully Luke was already there. We let him stay there the night before after church so that I could have a small break. I was so uncomfortable. At church I found myself winded as I was trying to carry on conversations. When we got home I got to work on the super big brother capes that I was making for the boys. I wanted to give the boys the capes in the hospital when they came to visit. I stayed up late getting them finished and went to bed before finishing because I figured I could finish them in the morning before Luke came home. That was not meant to be. In fact NONE of my plans for this birth or pregnancy for that matter were going to work out the way that I had planned.

As soon as we loaded Micah up my dad took off for home and we took off for the hospital. It was already 9:00 AM by this time. I could feel the contractions but they were not any stronger than they had been the past few days. We were in no rush so we showered and got ready for the day, packed bags and I had plenty of time to grab my birth affirmations book. Little did I know it would not even leave my bag.

When we got to the hospital the girl wheeling me upstairs in the wheelchair told me I looked great for being 35 weeks pregnant. Nice! God bless her! I felt HUGE! I was checked into the triage area of the birthplace and they hooked me up to monitors. Baby was doing great! Oh good. Next they collected a sample of my "water" and sent it off to the lab. It came back positive so I was admitted to the hospital. Our nurse just happened to be a distant family friend of Phil's and as I was being checked in my cousins mother in-law stopped in to say hi! I felt a little more at ease seeing some familiar faces. I was not expecting that!

When I got to my delivery room they started my IV with antibiotics. I was supposed to have my strep test the next week so as a precaution they had to treat me for strep. When my midwife checked in with me she told me the plan. She wanted to start me on pitocin to get the labor going and deliver in the late afternoon. At that point it was already 10:30 AM. I did not see that happening considering I was only 3 cm dilated and my previous 2 labors took a long time to get going. Hmmmm...I didn't know just how strong and effective that pitocin was going to be!

My contractions were nothing...until they started the pitocin...my first experience with pitocin!

Around noon they started the pitocin very slowly. I had felt great so far and I knew that because of that I was not progressing on my own. I was stuck in the bed because of all the IV's and monitors. It was a hassle just to get out of bed and use the restroom. I had to have my nurse help me with all of my cords! This was sooooo very different than my other births! And sooooo not how I had planned.

My doula Barbara arrived around 2:30ish. I still felt fairly good. My contractions were getting stronger but I was able to relax through them. I turned on a Pandora music station on my phone and I was just resting on my side and relaxing.

When Barbabra got there she started read me all of my messages from family and friends on Facebook. I look back very fondly on this part of my labor. So many people had written me already since they knew that I was in labor. It was very comforting!

Barbara reading my Facebook messages to me!

As my contractions continued to get stronger and they were turning up the pitocin Barbara massaged and put pressure on my hip. My back labor was strong and I knew it would be that way because of the way that Bevin was positioned. My previous 2 births had intense back labor too. I was no stranger to it but the pitocin was adding a little extra kick! Until this point I had "Knee Deep" by Zac Brown Band playing on the cd player but we switched over to "What do I Know of Holy" by Addison Road. The nurse check me and I was still only 3 cm dilated. The fear started to creep into my mind.

I was so conflicted. I was not even supposed to be here. This pregnancy was supposed to end back in the summer with a stillbirth. But here I was in December just a few weeks away from the due date. Was this really going to happen? Yes. Yes it was. And from what we could see on the monitor Bevin was doing great and handling all of the contractions like a champ! Unlike me...

I was humbled and my emotions were overwhelming me. When the contractions came I would cry. I was in mourning. For the first time in this pregnancy I felt like "Why me?" I thought about how my boys at home were getting ready to take a nap and I was sad that I was not there with them. I felt like I would trade anything just to be with my boys having a normal day. I also thought about how something could still go wrong with the delivery. We knew that we were having a girl but we didn't know if she would be okay? She may have birth defects that were not compatible with life? I knew that my midwife was feeling the same way. Phil was praying over me and Barbara was reading scripture and telling me that it would not be much longer. The nurse came and checked me and I was still only 4 cm dilated. It was almost 4 o'clock and I was still only 4 cm dilated. I called for the epidural.

After the epidural I was able to relax again finally. My emotions relaxed too. Less than an hour later I had quickly progressed to 10 cm and was ready to push. My epidural was really a great one. I could still control and feel my left leg and part of my right leg. I felt the pressure of the baby's head very low but felt no pain.

Time to push.

I really only ended up pushing about 3ish times. We were all very surprised that the umbilical cord was wrapped around her neck 3 times! The midwife told us no photos of the baby until she said it was alright. I think she was still having anxiety!

I know it is blurry but Barbara captured our expressions seeing her for the first time!

Immediately they put Bevin on my belly and I was able to rub her back and then they whisked her over to the warming table. They didn't even take a chance and let Phil cut her cord.

I think this is a funny one of both of us!

The nurses started working on her right away. I could hear her crying but so one would really say what was going on.

Apparently the NICU team had been waiting outside the door and they were called in to work on her too. They told me that she had to go to the regular nursery and have some extra oxygen. They brought her to me to hold for a minute literally and whisked her away again.

I was happy to hold her alive! Even with all of the bruising! Hallelujah!

She was 5 lbs. 11 oz. and 19 1/2 inches long. Not bad for a preemie! Born at 4:54 PM.

Happy mama!

You can really see her facial bruising in this one. We don't know if it is from the birth, the cord being wrapped around her neck so tight and so many times or what? So mysterious? Just another mystery to add to the long list of oddities surrounding this pregnancy.

Right away I thought that she looked like Luke!

Taking some big breaths...maybe too big?

I did not yet realize that I would not be holding her again for a while or nursing right away.

With Bevin off safely in the nursery my mother in-law came in to visit. We all chatted and I was thinking about what I wanted to order to eat since I had not eaten all day.

Little did we know what was in store for us tomorrow?

To be continued...

Part 2

Part 3